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Nov. 3rd, 2008 09:12 pmSo it looks like I probably have a sinus infection, and am also being tested for mono. Honestly, the notion that I have a sinus infection comes as somewhat of a relief; it means I'm actually sick and we can put me on antibiotics and then I'll get better. I'd been rather afraid this whole sick-for-all-of-October business just meant I was a wuss who doesn't have enough stamina to deal with a little bit of stress or drama without totally falling to pieces, and that would have been harder to fix. Also, am tired of just feeling disappointed in myself all the goddamn time.
Halloween was fun, in that sort of forcedly manic way when I'm actually really tired but am DETERMINED TO HAVE FUN AND FEEL OKAY, DAMMIT, and wind up talking a lot without really thinking about what I'm saying or remembering it later. This caught up to me on Saturday, when I was tired and depressive and really, really didn't want to do my homework or stay in the house, so I drove home to New Jersey. Still didn't get much homework done. Don't really care. Am actually still home, and will come back to Worcester tomorrow. Frankly, in blowing off the Brawl tournament, all my social plans, a lot of homework, a SPOC meeting, stuff for Caesura, making Sunday dinner and two classes... I feel less stressed than I have all semester. I didn't even call my housemates to tell them I wouldn't be back for dinner tonight. I spent much of the weekend doing the self-loathing thing about assorted personal problems--the sort where every course of action I can think of I just deconstruct into why it's selfish and I don't want to do that to anyone--and I cried for about twelve hours, then decided that as long as I'm still in a state where I'm crying about these things I am obviously in no state to deal with them, and the kindest thing for myself and everybody else is to let everything go, at least for now. Then I decided to not go back to school, and to go to the doctor instead. Then I reread Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
Tomorrow I'll go back to Worcester, and go back to my responsibilities to my schoolwork, my jobs, my house, and my clubs. I think my responsibilities to my friends at this point probably remain to stay out of their faces until I can not be such a downer. And I'll be a bit recharged, and hopefully I'll stop being sick soon, and maybe the second half of the semester will go better than the first.
Halloween was fun, in that sort of forcedly manic way when I'm actually really tired but am DETERMINED TO HAVE FUN AND FEEL OKAY, DAMMIT, and wind up talking a lot without really thinking about what I'm saying or remembering it later. This caught up to me on Saturday, when I was tired and depressive and really, really didn't want to do my homework or stay in the house, so I drove home to New Jersey. Still didn't get much homework done. Don't really care. Am actually still home, and will come back to Worcester tomorrow. Frankly, in blowing off the Brawl tournament, all my social plans, a lot of homework, a SPOC meeting, stuff for Caesura, making Sunday dinner and two classes... I feel less stressed than I have all semester. I didn't even call my housemates to tell them I wouldn't be back for dinner tonight. I spent much of the weekend doing the self-loathing thing about assorted personal problems--the sort where every course of action I can think of I just deconstruct into why it's selfish and I don't want to do that to anyone--and I cried for about twelve hours, then decided that as long as I'm still in a state where I'm crying about these things I am obviously in no state to deal with them, and the kindest thing for myself and everybody else is to let everything go, at least for now. Then I decided to not go back to school, and to go to the doctor instead. Then I reread Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
Tomorrow I'll go back to Worcester, and go back to my responsibilities to my schoolwork, my jobs, my house, and my clubs. I think my responsibilities to my friends at this point probably remain to stay out of their faces until I can not be such a downer. And I'll be a bit recharged, and hopefully I'll stop being sick soon, and maybe the second half of the semester will go better than the first.