Ashes, ashes, we all fall down...
Nov. 2nd, 2003 05:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bloodygranuaileThere's an emotional Black Death going around. I believe that myself and most of my friends are normally rarely if ever happy, but it really seems especially phenomenally bad lately.
Part of it is probably just my perspective getting darker, my mind is ever more full of death and blood and despair and generally everything morbid, it seems like joy to me for if something is truly grotesque and horrifying then it is not mediocre.
I know I've been rather worrying Leah. I haven't even been telling her everything that goes on in my twisted little mind, but she sees the red marks on my wrists and hands, and that worries her enough. I suppose it probably does point to something wrong with me that I scratch myself and don't want to eat and have drawn up a rather elaborate system of circumstances under which I would and would not kill myself, but I think some of that is probably actually to scare her, because I'm depressed enough that I can't stand it when she's happy and want to ensure that she will not be happy whilst talking to me. For I am still firmly of the belief that if you are happy, it is because you are forgetting something.
Which brings me to something Packy has said repeatedly, that I am forced to disagree with. I do not wish to return to feeling as I did as a child. When I was a child, if I was happy, it was because I was oblivious. I don't like being oblivious. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm really capable of being truly happy, because for me the happiest feeling is being soothed; the process of being calmed, not the state of being calm. For this to happen, something has to be upsetting me in the first place. I truly hate to say this, but I don't believe in pure happiness. I just don't think it can happen. People say true love is pure happiness, but I don't believe in true love either. I am a bitter, jaded cynic.
Happiness in the external is possible if you choose what you look at very, very carefully. You can find beauty in things, but you cannot find beauty in all-things, in the world as a whole. You can see beauty in the world, but if you see the world as beautiful, you are seriously lying to yourself. And, more importantly, if you see the world as it is as beautiful, then you do not strive to make it better. I feel that I must see all that is wrong in the world so that I know what I must make better. Filtering one's perception should only be used to ensure that one's brain is intact enough to do so, for if one percieves too much hideousness and despair, if one were to see all the loathesomeness and misery of the world at once, one would go mad, completely and utterly stark raving mad. If one were to see the spectrum of the world, how it ranges from what would be, in ones own perception, unbearably hideous at worst, to mediocre at best, one's mind would cave in. The human brain cannot handle realizing all the flaws in every society, and unfortunately, that is what keeps us from erasing those flaws and building a society that is truly great. We are small-minded and twisted creatures who are incapable of true happiness, only of oblivion, or of true comprehension of misery. And this is why our society is so damn MEDIOCRE!!
Bah, am starting to babble. But yes, emotional plague. Poisoning. Things are uncannily wrong at the moment. It's upsetting everyone and making me crazy, very very crazy, crazy so I'm probably adding to everyone else's problems, because we're all making things worse for ourselves and each other at the moment, and I'd like to take a moment to apologize for my part in fucking things up further, whatever, I've done, I can't tell anymore, before I retreat back into my own little world, where all that exists is myself and my black coat and Tales of H.P. Lovecraft in a little tiny sphere of comfort as the incomprehensibly twisted Outer World rages on like a hurricane and tries to rain on me, tries to drown me in its towering black waves of stress.
If I ignore it, if I mock it, if I just keep reading, I'll be fine until the storm subsides enough for me to get out. If I look up, I'll capsize. But I can't forget it's there, or it'll keep on raging, getting worse, until I have to notice it.
...
You know it's time to stop writing when you start personifying extended metaphors. Damn, am I twisted today...
AstralCataclysm: and you get to have a psych class, which knowing MHS will probably fall far short of its potential, next year.
AkashaReincarnat: *sigh* Should be better than no psych at all.
AkashaReincarnat: And even if is not, high school sucking is not worth killing self over.
AkashaReincarnat: (If get out of high school and stuff still sucks that much, then maybe worth killing self...)
AstralCataclysm: *thwacks*
AstralCataclysm: cause at this point I have to interrupt myself to do that.
AkashaReincarnat: *patpat*
AstralCataclysm: Realistically, how, with what the course of your life is going to be, could life not get better after high school, once you're into college?
AkashaReincarnat: Ah, I don't know. And I can't allow myself to think about it.
AkashaReincarnat: I think it's really something I came up with to bother Leah.
AkashaReincarnat: Ah, must be going... dinnertime.
AstralCataclysm: *sigh* *hugs* goodbye.
Auto response from AkashaReincarnat: Hunting for fresh blood from the dregs of humanity. Back before sunup.
AstralCataclysm: Dinner so short?
AstralCataclysm: Though I shouldn't be one to speak, as I already ate and came back.
AkashaReincarnat: I don't eat much. And I didn't really feel like having a long conversation with my family members.
AstralCataclysm: how long, do you think, before your diet becomes unhealthy?
AkashaReincarnat: It's always been fairly unhealthy.
AkashaReincarnat: And I don't think they'd let me skip eating too much.
AstralCataclysm: Good. because anorexia is really really bad. And don't you think it'd be at least mildly offensive to have serious problems with eating disorders, when that's usually reserved for cheap, shallow people who are way too concerned with their own appearance?
AkashaReincarnat: Ai, I won't go anorexic. I don't have the willpower.
AkashaReincarnat: And as far as I'm concerned, being cheap and shallow and appearance-oriented is what makes it anorexia. If you starve yourself precisely because it's the opposite of gluttony, it's self-purification.
AkashaReincarnat: And if you stop eating because you're too concerned with mental and emotional matters to warrant eating, it's generally mistreating yourself. And I don't think I have the genius to take it to the degree that Lovecraft and Poe did, so I should outlive them.
AkashaReincarnat: Goddess, I'm making no sense.
AstralCataclysm: congratulations. They're already dead, thus you've outlived them.
AkashaReincarnat: Ah. Point. *thwacks self for bad word choice*
AstralCataclysm: If anything, I'd say you shouldn't want to die, cause you'd be going to hell for being too Catholic.
AstralCataclysm: make sure you've managed to thoroughly get over that first. Which thus far, this conversation points very much to not being over how Catholicism sees things.
AstralCataclysm: (don't blame your psychological problems on your parents, blame it on Catholicism! right...)
AkashaReincarnat: I don't want to die. I'd become a statistic. The worst thing you can do for your soul is commit suicide as a high school student. Because then you're just a statistic, and statistics don't have souls.
AkashaReincarnat: I'm trying to be not-Catholic. But there are some bits of Catholicism that are very addictive, which would be why so many people stay Catholic if it weren't for the fact that no Catholics do them anymore.
AkashaReincarnat: (Main exception is decoration and graveyards. Those are still the same.)
AstralCataclysm: How can you say its any better dying unknown in any other way? College student killed in drunk driving accident. 23 people killed by suicide bomber blowing up bus.
AstralCataclysm: Prestige rarely comes because of death. It comes from living, and trying to die is never really living.
AkashaReincarnat: They become statistics too, logically... but I hate thinking of victims as losing their souls. Sigh.
AstralCataclysm: besides, you're going to die eventually anyway. You might as well do something with your life before then, rather than just offing yourself as soon as you've escaped the people who protect you from yourself.
AkashaReincarnat: I know that.
AkashaReincarnat: You're starting to sound like Leah. Except with better arguments.
AkashaReincarnat: I intend on doing something with my life as soon as MHS releases it's stranglehold. Until then, I will babble constantly about suicide and self-mutilation to disturb the people around me, as it gives me morbid pleasure, which is the only kind I can get in my life at the moment.
AstralCataclysm: If nothing else, adopt random people and make sure they grow up as intelligent individuals, instead of pointless corporate whores. Cause at least that way, even if your life still sucks in the process, you'll have made a couple other people's lives much better.
AkashaReincarnat: I'm already planning on corrupting several people's children.
AstralCataclysm: I don't know if you've noticed or not, but looking at the world that way is messing with you just as much as you're messing with others.
AkashaReincarnat: Messing how?
AstralCataclysm: you've been, or at least appear to have been, in a state of near-suicidal depression, reinforced by numerous comments about suicide, for quite a while now, which has impacted on your schoolwork, your social life, your relationship with your family member, etc. All of which is self-perpetuating, as each thing of that which falls down around you makes the depression worse, and causes the others to fall faster. Do you really think looking at the world, even if just in jest, as if things cannot get better, and you're just waiting until you're not just a statistic before you finally just end it, is going to help a damned thing among that?
AstralCataclysm: Last weekend my parents were asking me questions about whether you were alright, because the kind of things you've been saying were "crying for help type comments". My mother has asked several times recently if you and I were even still an item.
AkashaReincarnat: No, not really. And I'm trying to look forward until things get better, but I think I'm so used to things not getting better, or at best, getting better and not staying better for any substantial amount of time, that the possibility that things wont' actually get better is stuck in my mind. So I have to make it a joke, something to treat lightly, because the other option is treating it as if it might actually happen.
AstralCataclysm: *nnn, distraction by Beky's phone call drowning out thoughts*
AkashaReincarnat: ...ai, and that's the other thing. I'm not used to the idea that people will react to what I say. Normally I just say things and people dismiss them.
AstralCataclysm: My mother hears and knows practically everything that goes on under her roof, is nosy, and pays attention.
AstralCataclysm: *Beky yelling in other room and cursing at her parents...*
AstralCataclysm: I'm sorry, and it would probably be best if I continued this conversation with you, but I'm going to move far away from the phone, and thus from the internet connection, so I don't have to deal with that, cause can't deal with it right now...
AstralCataclysm: Also have to pack to get out of here soon.
AstralCataclysm: *huggleses* please feel better soon.
AkashaReincarnat: *huggleses* Goodbye, then.
AstralCataclysm: goodbye.
AkashaReincarnat: I love you.
AstralCataclysm: *hugs*
AstralCataclysm signed off at 6:58:37 PM.
One more random topic:
Things have been radically up and down over the past week, and as far as I can tell, only one thing has been completely constant: I miss Ben. Everything else has been all over the place, with some very high (completely superficial) highs and some very low (mostly hormonal) lows, extremely high emotions and complete lack thereof, but for some strange reason, ever since about one o'clock last Sunday afternoon when he made me cry by being too nice, I have missed him considerably more than I usually bother to miss people. It has been causing me considerable distress that I do not have his phone number and that I cannot use AIM at home, which is my usual method of staying in contact with people I do not see IRL. I have no clear idea why I want to talk to him so badly--may have something to do with the fact that I cannot recall a single time when he's gotten on my nerves--but the fact stands. It's driving me mad. I am continually forgetting that I have no telepathic skills whatsoever and trying to communicate that way. Needless to say, it has not been working.
Whee, I need to regain my stability... managing to finally start my history essay that I hadn't been able to start for, oh, two weeks or so has improved my mood quite a bit... as has getting all these wierd ramblings out of my head.
Tuesday, have first meeting for GSA-type-thingy. The one useful thing I can do in school, and I hope to hell it actually ends up being useful. I don't think I truly believe it will, nor will I until it happens.
I am unhealthily used to everything being empty. Empty promises, empty victories, empty decisions, empty deeds, nothing really mattering, everything only seeming to be good or important or even bad. I am used to nothing being fulfilling. It's really not good for me. Sigh.
I wonder if that has any link with my distaste for food.
Hm...
Probably not.
I'm going to actually sign off now as I've stopped making any sense whatsoever.
I love the lot of you even when I'm purposely trying to piss you off, and apologize for those moments.
*hugs*
-Claudia
Part of it is probably just my perspective getting darker, my mind is ever more full of death and blood and despair and generally everything morbid, it seems like joy to me for if something is truly grotesque and horrifying then it is not mediocre.
I know I've been rather worrying Leah. I haven't even been telling her everything that goes on in my twisted little mind, but she sees the red marks on my wrists and hands, and that worries her enough. I suppose it probably does point to something wrong with me that I scratch myself and don't want to eat and have drawn up a rather elaborate system of circumstances under which I would and would not kill myself, but I think some of that is probably actually to scare her, because I'm depressed enough that I can't stand it when she's happy and want to ensure that she will not be happy whilst talking to me. For I am still firmly of the belief that if you are happy, it is because you are forgetting something.
Which brings me to something Packy has said repeatedly, that I am forced to disagree with. I do not wish to return to feeling as I did as a child. When I was a child, if I was happy, it was because I was oblivious. I don't like being oblivious. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm really capable of being truly happy, because for me the happiest feeling is being soothed; the process of being calmed, not the state of being calm. For this to happen, something has to be upsetting me in the first place. I truly hate to say this, but I don't believe in pure happiness. I just don't think it can happen. People say true love is pure happiness, but I don't believe in true love either. I am a bitter, jaded cynic.
Happiness in the external is possible if you choose what you look at very, very carefully. You can find beauty in things, but you cannot find beauty in all-things, in the world as a whole. You can see beauty in the world, but if you see the world as beautiful, you are seriously lying to yourself. And, more importantly, if you see the world as it is as beautiful, then you do not strive to make it better. I feel that I must see all that is wrong in the world so that I know what I must make better. Filtering one's perception should only be used to ensure that one's brain is intact enough to do so, for if one percieves too much hideousness and despair, if one were to see all the loathesomeness and misery of the world at once, one would go mad, completely and utterly stark raving mad. If one were to see the spectrum of the world, how it ranges from what would be, in ones own perception, unbearably hideous at worst, to mediocre at best, one's mind would cave in. The human brain cannot handle realizing all the flaws in every society, and unfortunately, that is what keeps us from erasing those flaws and building a society that is truly great. We are small-minded and twisted creatures who are incapable of true happiness, only of oblivion, or of true comprehension of misery. And this is why our society is so damn MEDIOCRE!!
Bah, am starting to babble. But yes, emotional plague. Poisoning. Things are uncannily wrong at the moment. It's upsetting everyone and making me crazy, very very crazy, crazy so I'm probably adding to everyone else's problems, because we're all making things worse for ourselves and each other at the moment, and I'd like to take a moment to apologize for my part in fucking things up further, whatever, I've done, I can't tell anymore, before I retreat back into my own little world, where all that exists is myself and my black coat and Tales of H.P. Lovecraft in a little tiny sphere of comfort as the incomprehensibly twisted Outer World rages on like a hurricane and tries to rain on me, tries to drown me in its towering black waves of stress.
If I ignore it, if I mock it, if I just keep reading, I'll be fine until the storm subsides enough for me to get out. If I look up, I'll capsize. But I can't forget it's there, or it'll keep on raging, getting worse, until I have to notice it.
...
You know it's time to stop writing when you start personifying extended metaphors. Damn, am I twisted today...
AstralCataclysm: and you get to have a psych class, which knowing MHS will probably fall far short of its potential, next year.
AkashaReincarnat: *sigh* Should be better than no psych at all.
AkashaReincarnat: And even if is not, high school sucking is not worth killing self over.
AkashaReincarnat: (If get out of high school and stuff still sucks that much, then maybe worth killing self...)
AstralCataclysm: *thwacks*
AstralCataclysm: cause at this point I have to interrupt myself to do that.
AkashaReincarnat: *patpat*
AstralCataclysm: Realistically, how, with what the course of your life is going to be, could life not get better after high school, once you're into college?
AkashaReincarnat: Ah, I don't know. And I can't allow myself to think about it.
AkashaReincarnat: I think it's really something I came up with to bother Leah.
AkashaReincarnat: Ah, must be going... dinnertime.
AstralCataclysm: *sigh* *hugs* goodbye.
Auto response from AkashaReincarnat: Hunting for fresh blood from the dregs of humanity. Back before sunup.
AstralCataclysm: Dinner so short?
AstralCataclysm: Though I shouldn't be one to speak, as I already ate and came back.
AkashaReincarnat: I don't eat much. And I didn't really feel like having a long conversation with my family members.
AstralCataclysm: how long, do you think, before your diet becomes unhealthy?
AkashaReincarnat: It's always been fairly unhealthy.
AkashaReincarnat: And I don't think they'd let me skip eating too much.
AstralCataclysm: Good. because anorexia is really really bad. And don't you think it'd be at least mildly offensive to have serious problems with eating disorders, when that's usually reserved for cheap, shallow people who are way too concerned with their own appearance?
AkashaReincarnat: Ai, I won't go anorexic. I don't have the willpower.
AkashaReincarnat: And as far as I'm concerned, being cheap and shallow and appearance-oriented is what makes it anorexia. If you starve yourself precisely because it's the opposite of gluttony, it's self-purification.
AkashaReincarnat: And if you stop eating because you're too concerned with mental and emotional matters to warrant eating, it's generally mistreating yourself. And I don't think I have the genius to take it to the degree that Lovecraft and Poe did, so I should outlive them.
AkashaReincarnat: Goddess, I'm making no sense.
AstralCataclysm: congratulations. They're already dead, thus you've outlived them.
AkashaReincarnat: Ah. Point. *thwacks self for bad word choice*
AstralCataclysm: If anything, I'd say you shouldn't want to die, cause you'd be going to hell for being too Catholic.
AstralCataclysm: make sure you've managed to thoroughly get over that first. Which thus far, this conversation points very much to not being over how Catholicism sees things.
AstralCataclysm: (don't blame your psychological problems on your parents, blame it on Catholicism! right...)
AkashaReincarnat: I don't want to die. I'd become a statistic. The worst thing you can do for your soul is commit suicide as a high school student. Because then you're just a statistic, and statistics don't have souls.
AkashaReincarnat: I'm trying to be not-Catholic. But there are some bits of Catholicism that are very addictive, which would be why so many people stay Catholic if it weren't for the fact that no Catholics do them anymore.
AkashaReincarnat: (Main exception is decoration and graveyards. Those are still the same.)
AstralCataclysm: How can you say its any better dying unknown in any other way? College student killed in drunk driving accident. 23 people killed by suicide bomber blowing up bus.
AstralCataclysm: Prestige rarely comes because of death. It comes from living, and trying to die is never really living.
AkashaReincarnat: They become statistics too, logically... but I hate thinking of victims as losing their souls. Sigh.
AstralCataclysm: besides, you're going to die eventually anyway. You might as well do something with your life before then, rather than just offing yourself as soon as you've escaped the people who protect you from yourself.
AkashaReincarnat: I know that.
AkashaReincarnat: You're starting to sound like Leah. Except with better arguments.
AkashaReincarnat: I intend on doing something with my life as soon as MHS releases it's stranglehold. Until then, I will babble constantly about suicide and self-mutilation to disturb the people around me, as it gives me morbid pleasure, which is the only kind I can get in my life at the moment.
AstralCataclysm: If nothing else, adopt random people and make sure they grow up as intelligent individuals, instead of pointless corporate whores. Cause at least that way, even if your life still sucks in the process, you'll have made a couple other people's lives much better.
AkashaReincarnat: I'm already planning on corrupting several people's children.
AstralCataclysm: I don't know if you've noticed or not, but looking at the world that way is messing with you just as much as you're messing with others.
AkashaReincarnat: Messing how?
AstralCataclysm: you've been, or at least appear to have been, in a state of near-suicidal depression, reinforced by numerous comments about suicide, for quite a while now, which has impacted on your schoolwork, your social life, your relationship with your family member, etc. All of which is self-perpetuating, as each thing of that which falls down around you makes the depression worse, and causes the others to fall faster. Do you really think looking at the world, even if just in jest, as if things cannot get better, and you're just waiting until you're not just a statistic before you finally just end it, is going to help a damned thing among that?
AstralCataclysm: Last weekend my parents were asking me questions about whether you were alright, because the kind of things you've been saying were "crying for help type comments". My mother has asked several times recently if you and I were even still an item.
AkashaReincarnat: No, not really. And I'm trying to look forward until things get better, but I think I'm so used to things not getting better, or at best, getting better and not staying better for any substantial amount of time, that the possibility that things wont' actually get better is stuck in my mind. So I have to make it a joke, something to treat lightly, because the other option is treating it as if it might actually happen.
AstralCataclysm: *nnn, distraction by Beky's phone call drowning out thoughts*
AkashaReincarnat: ...ai, and that's the other thing. I'm not used to the idea that people will react to what I say. Normally I just say things and people dismiss them.
AstralCataclysm: My mother hears and knows practically everything that goes on under her roof, is nosy, and pays attention.
AstralCataclysm: *Beky yelling in other room and cursing at her parents...*
AstralCataclysm: I'm sorry, and it would probably be best if I continued this conversation with you, but I'm going to move far away from the phone, and thus from the internet connection, so I don't have to deal with that, cause can't deal with it right now...
AstralCataclysm: Also have to pack to get out of here soon.
AstralCataclysm: *huggleses* please feel better soon.
AkashaReincarnat: *huggleses* Goodbye, then.
AstralCataclysm: goodbye.
AkashaReincarnat: I love you.
AstralCataclysm: *hugs*
AstralCataclysm signed off at 6:58:37 PM.
One more random topic:
Things have been radically up and down over the past week, and as far as I can tell, only one thing has been completely constant: I miss Ben. Everything else has been all over the place, with some very high (completely superficial) highs and some very low (mostly hormonal) lows, extremely high emotions and complete lack thereof, but for some strange reason, ever since about one o'clock last Sunday afternoon when he made me cry by being too nice, I have missed him considerably more than I usually bother to miss people. It has been causing me considerable distress that I do not have his phone number and that I cannot use AIM at home, which is my usual method of staying in contact with people I do not see IRL. I have no clear idea why I want to talk to him so badly--may have something to do with the fact that I cannot recall a single time when he's gotten on my nerves--but the fact stands. It's driving me mad. I am continually forgetting that I have no telepathic skills whatsoever and trying to communicate that way. Needless to say, it has not been working.
Whee, I need to regain my stability... managing to finally start my history essay that I hadn't been able to start for, oh, two weeks or so has improved my mood quite a bit... as has getting all these wierd ramblings out of my head.
Tuesday, have first meeting for GSA-type-thingy. The one useful thing I can do in school, and I hope to hell it actually ends up being useful. I don't think I truly believe it will, nor will I until it happens.
I am unhealthily used to everything being empty. Empty promises, empty victories, empty decisions, empty deeds, nothing really mattering, everything only seeming to be good or important or even bad. I am used to nothing being fulfilling. It's really not good for me. Sigh.
I wonder if that has any link with my distaste for food.
Hm...
Probably not.
I'm going to actually sign off now as I've stopped making any sense whatsoever.
I love the lot of you even when I'm purposely trying to piss you off, and apologize for those moments.
*hugs*
-Claudia