Mission: failed

Group therapy yesterday. Matt wouldn't talk. Ben seemed mostly bitter that we fawn over Matt when he's depressed but not him--I didn't know. I don't know Ben very well; I can't tell when things are off with him and when they're not because I don't talk to him very often, which is probably extremely rude of me; I never talk to him in study hall because I'm usually reading instead and have a tendency to wait for the other person to start talking first. So I really didn't know what was going on outside of what Eddy had told me and I didn't know what to do about anything I did know. Which is still the case. Apparently everyone's still angry and depressed and lovesick and worried and bitter and whatever; I have no idea what the hell's going to happen today. We're convening at Eddy's at three... I'm worried about what kind of facades people are going to put on... we agreed to be open yesterday but it seems that's not happening; talking to people's faces is so much harder than writing rants to no one in particular and then putting them up where everyone can see. Next group therapy session really needs Net access if anything's going to get done; I think now we all know a lot more than we did yesterday after attempting to talk about it for three hours.

So basically, I'm worried on behalf of my close friends, feeling somewhat guilty for not actually being close friends with Ben, depressed on behalf of just everyone (but not half as depressed as they all apparently are), but still almost somewhat happy because this at least means I have freinds. Whatever's going on, I'm happier than I was in the beginning of the year, when the day consisted of talking to Eddy and Christine, and noting the faces of people I was too scared to talk to as I went through the hallways. I just don't feel happier. (However that works...)

Ten minutes 'til I have to leave to go to Eddy's; I'm watching the clock not knowing if I want it to slow down or speed up; things are bad and will either get worse before they get better or just get worse. And I don't have the skills to make anything better. I thought yesterday might end my being useless; apparently it hasn't...

Hormones suck...