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"Fellowship and a Girl", ch. 1 MST
Jul. 25th, 2003 08:28 pmo.O Supposedly THE most confuzzlingly gods-awful Sue in the fandom. Forty chapters. If they're all this long I won't even have to cut my MSTs...
Oh, and this is not meant to be a funny MST. This is me just tearing it apart because I'm annoyed. Correspondence work (but, IRL, I won't send this to the author unless she asks for harsh CC).
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The Fellowship and a girl By: Evelyn Walsh
Holy shit, problems already? A tiro nin, Fanuilos.... Anyway. Besides the fact that it's a rather stupid title, it's capitalized improperly (The Fellowship and a Girl is the... erm... "correct" is a bit strong, so... proper capitalization). And 'tisn't that difficult to hit the "Enter" key between the title and the author's name.
Chapter one:
One day while walking through Lothlorien, I was told to report to my father, Lord Celeborn and his wife, Lady Galadriel.
This had SO better be from the POV of Celebrían (who, by the way, lives in Lothlórien. Accents aren't that hard to do). In which case, the author might want to MENTION that. Oh, and it's a REALLY unengaging intro.
"Father, Galadriel, why is it that I was summoned here?"
If Celeborn's her father, then wouldn't Galadriel be her mother? 'Cos, I mean, that's who Celebrían's parents are. And, y'know, Elves only marry once, ever, and no Elf in history has ever cheated on his/her spouse, unless you count Finwë marrying Indis as cheating, which it wasn't supposed to be, as Míriel was dead already. And, while the verb tense isn't incorrect, it just seems more likely that she (whoever "she" is... "she" SHOULD be Celebrían...) would say more "Father, Mother, why is it that I have been summoned here?"
"We want you to go to Rivendell with a message for Lord Elrond." Said Celeborn.
First and most obvious: What INCREDIBLY engaging dialogue. Boredom aside... punctuation!! 'Elrond," said Celeborn'.... Also, the author might have wanted to address why they're sending Celebrían with a message for Elrond instead of a flipping messenger. Oh, and she might want to give us a time frame as well; evidently this is before Elrond wedded Celebrían, which puts us between 1697 Second Age (founding of Imladris) and 109 Third Age (Elrond weds Celebrían). So we really don't know what Age we're in. And that's assuming it actually is Celebrían, which it might not be, as that hasn't been mentioned.
"You are to take this to him and go to the council meeting." Said Galadriel.
'meeting," said Galadriel'.... Oh, and WHAT council meeting?
"Are you telling me to go to a secret council meeting with Lord Elrond?" I asked.
Ah, yes. The SECRET council meeting. Which Celebrían knows about... why?
"Take this letter and give it to Elrond, tell Elrond that you are to attend the council meeting." Said Celeborn.
' "Take this letter and give it to Lord Elrond; tell him that you are to attend the council meeting," said Celeborn.' Well, that fixes grammar. Can someone please not refer to it as "council meeting" one more time? There are these useful ickle things in the English language called pronouns; one of them is first person singular, and it's only two letters long--"it". Also, now that you've mentioned the council meeting (do you need both words?) three times, can someone explain it? What smegging council? Surely you don't mean the Council of Elrond--we're in the totally wrong time frame for that, aren't we? *looks around* We must be. Otherwise this chick isn't unwedded Celebrían. Right? *crickets*
I set out from Lothlorien with Rumil and Orophin. We got to Rivendell and Rumil and Orophin headed to their rooms and I headed to speak with Lord Elrond.
Eh, I think Rumil and Orophin were around then... they've been around for a while... I don't know my Silm as well as I should. Anyway. If I'm not mistaken, it's a bit of a long journey from Lothlórien to Rivendell, even when the Gap of Rohan is an option. It wouldn't go in the same paragraph as setting out, most likely. At least stick in something like "After a long and arduous journey..." (thanks to Ella). Oh, and the triple compound sentence that is Sentence Two of that paragraph is generally Frowned Upon, since this is supposed to be a story, not a ramble. I think. Oh, and it's still NOT DESCRIPTIVE and generally uninteresting.
"Lord Elrond, Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel have sent me with this message and have sent me to attend the council meeting." I said.
Oh, dear. First of all, it sounds like the three of them (Elrond, Celeborn, and Galadriel) have sent the message. Second of all, the second "have sent me" is unnecessary and redundantly repetitive. Thirdly, punctuation. 'meeting," I...'. Yeesh. And the style's a bit off--off the top of my head, I'd say I would go with ' "Lord Elrond, my Lord Celeborn and my Lady Galadriel have sent me with a message for you, and have bidden me tell you they wish for me to attend the council meeting" ', or somesuch. I might have a better idea if I knew what council the Author's talking about. Oh, and I'm getting SICK of the use of "said".
"Well then you know Prince Legolas of Mirkwood, right?" asked Lord Elrond.
o.O That's very OOC speech for Lord Elrond... even if it had the proper punctuation ("Well, then, you know Prince Legolas..."), it'd be insanely out of character. Yipes. And there is NO description in this chapter at ALL... not to mention that there's only this in the chapter. Yep, it's over already. I do NOT call that a closing. The chapter just ended. Mebbe it only uploaded half, I dunno. *shrug*
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I'll miss you all uber-dreadfully while I'm gone!! *huggles* Yes, some more than others. But whatever. I'll be back in a week. [Insert teary goodbye]
-Claudia
Oh, and this is not meant to be a funny MST. This is me just tearing it apart because I'm annoyed. Correspondence work (but, IRL, I won't send this to the author unless she asks for harsh CC).
=====================================================================
The Fellowship and a girl By: Evelyn Walsh
Holy shit, problems already? A tiro nin, Fanuilos.... Anyway. Besides the fact that it's a rather stupid title, it's capitalized improperly (The Fellowship and a Girl is the... erm... "correct" is a bit strong, so... proper capitalization). And 'tisn't that difficult to hit the "Enter" key between the title and the author's name.
Chapter one:
One day while walking through Lothlorien, I was told to report to my father, Lord Celeborn and his wife, Lady Galadriel.
This had SO better be from the POV of Celebrían (who, by the way, lives in Lothlórien. Accents aren't that hard to do). In which case, the author might want to MENTION that. Oh, and it's a REALLY unengaging intro.
"Father, Galadriel, why is it that I was summoned here?"
If Celeborn's her father, then wouldn't Galadriel be her mother? 'Cos, I mean, that's who Celebrían's parents are. And, y'know, Elves only marry once, ever, and no Elf in history has ever cheated on his/her spouse, unless you count Finwë marrying Indis as cheating, which it wasn't supposed to be, as Míriel was dead already. And, while the verb tense isn't incorrect, it just seems more likely that she (whoever "she" is... "she" SHOULD be Celebrían...) would say more "Father, Mother, why is it that I have been summoned here?"
"We want you to go to Rivendell with a message for Lord Elrond." Said Celeborn.
First and most obvious: What INCREDIBLY engaging dialogue. Boredom aside... punctuation!! 'Elrond," said Celeborn'.... Also, the author might have wanted to address why they're sending Celebrían with a message for Elrond instead of a flipping messenger. Oh, and she might want to give us a time frame as well; evidently this is before Elrond wedded Celebrían, which puts us between 1697 Second Age (founding of Imladris) and 109 Third Age (Elrond weds Celebrían). So we really don't know what Age we're in. And that's assuming it actually is Celebrían, which it might not be, as that hasn't been mentioned.
"You are to take this to him and go to the council meeting." Said Galadriel.
'meeting," said Galadriel'.... Oh, and WHAT council meeting?
"Are you telling me to go to a secret council meeting with Lord Elrond?" I asked.
Ah, yes. The SECRET council meeting. Which Celebrían knows about... why?
"Take this letter and give it to Elrond, tell Elrond that you are to attend the council meeting." Said Celeborn.
' "Take this letter and give it to Lord Elrond; tell him that you are to attend the council meeting," said Celeborn.' Well, that fixes grammar. Can someone please not refer to it as "council meeting" one more time? There are these useful ickle things in the English language called pronouns; one of them is first person singular, and it's only two letters long--"it". Also, now that you've mentioned the council meeting (do you need both words?) three times, can someone explain it? What smegging council? Surely you don't mean the Council of Elrond--we're in the totally wrong time frame for that, aren't we? *looks around* We must be. Otherwise this chick isn't unwedded Celebrían. Right? *crickets*
I set out from Lothlorien with Rumil and Orophin. We got to Rivendell and Rumil and Orophin headed to their rooms and I headed to speak with Lord Elrond.
Eh, I think Rumil and Orophin were around then... they've been around for a while... I don't know my Silm as well as I should. Anyway. If I'm not mistaken, it's a bit of a long journey from Lothlórien to Rivendell, even when the Gap of Rohan is an option. It wouldn't go in the same paragraph as setting out, most likely. At least stick in something like "After a long and arduous journey..." (thanks to Ella). Oh, and the triple compound sentence that is Sentence Two of that paragraph is generally Frowned Upon, since this is supposed to be a story, not a ramble. I think. Oh, and it's still NOT DESCRIPTIVE and generally uninteresting.
"Lord Elrond, Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel have sent me with this message and have sent me to attend the council meeting." I said.
Oh, dear. First of all, it sounds like the three of them (Elrond, Celeborn, and Galadriel) have sent the message. Second of all, the second "have sent me" is unnecessary and redundantly repetitive. Thirdly, punctuation. 'meeting," I...'. Yeesh. And the style's a bit off--off the top of my head, I'd say I would go with ' "Lord Elrond, my Lord Celeborn and my Lady Galadriel have sent me with a message for you, and have bidden me tell you they wish for me to attend the council meeting" ', or somesuch. I might have a better idea if I knew what council the Author's talking about. Oh, and I'm getting SICK of the use of "said".
"Well then you know Prince Legolas of Mirkwood, right?" asked Lord Elrond.
o.O That's very OOC speech for Lord Elrond... even if it had the proper punctuation ("Well, then, you know Prince Legolas..."), it'd be insanely out of character. Yipes. And there is NO description in this chapter at ALL... not to mention that there's only this in the chapter. Yep, it's over already. I do NOT call that a closing. The chapter just ended. Mebbe it only uploaded half, I dunno. *shrug*
====================================================================
I'll miss you all uber-dreadfully while I'm gone!! *huggles* Yes, some more than others. But whatever. I'll be back in a week. [Insert teary goodbye]
-Claudia
