(no subject)

My emotions are intensely unstable... yesterday, I was so incredibly depressed that I could not string two words together; I failed to finish my homework after eight or so hours of trying to work, and kept on just crawling back into bed. Nothing made me feel any better; life, the universe, and all my friends' problems swirled around in my mind and obliterated any capacity for productiveness, any will to move, and any desire to do anything to make myself feel better. I was in a very typical tired, unfocused, and self-loathing mindset. I went to bed at eight-thirty, just feeling as if I'd had more than enough of the day for the day. I woke up this morning feeling dead, could barely get up, and am still surprised that I actually did so. I could barely listen in my earlier classes, luckily French I can participate in in my sleep, but in Spanish there was a five to ten minute discrepancy between hearing the directions to do something and actually doing it. Geometry I started getting angry at myself for not paying attention, for if I don't pay attention, I can't expect to ever get out of here, can I? but that didn't help me to concentrate, so I started going at myself with the mechanical pencils again, Eddy says I should get regular pencils instead... I probably should... Spent most of study hall either reinforcing the pencil wounds with a Swiss Army knife (they'd like to have you think that the school is caring enough to notice when you're cutting your own hands open with a Swiss Army knife in public, but it simply isn't) or just staring at the table.

And in History class, for absolutely no reason whatsoever, I started coming out of it. By last period I was awake enough to remember to get the assignment for the weekend homework I didn't do and laugh at the fact that I hadn't done it, figuring that if I get it in tomorrow it'll all be okay.

It'll all be okay. A totally random and complete change in perspective from the past two days--a complete change from it won't be okay, it's all falling apart, it won't work out, it won't get better, it's all getting worse and I can't do anything about it! Not a single damned other thing has changed. I am still stuck here for three more years, I still have to do my work and do it well in order to get anywhere better, I still can't help other people's mental and emotional problems, I can't even be there for them because too many of them are scattered too far away. I still cannot enjoy my weekends because I and everyone else are weighed down with work and scheduling. I still would kill to go back to the summer, when, despite the fair number of things that were less than perfect, I was still sometimes happy.

Nine days until Thanksgiving vacation.

-Claudia