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Dec. 5th, 2008 10:58 pmHappy Repeal Day!
Only problem with Repeal Day is that's it's smack in the middle of finals crunch time. Friday night and I'm (guess what I'm about to say! No really, guess!) doing French homework. I'm indulging in one Jack & diet but other than that, the party is just me an a bowl of pomegranate seeds. Lame. (And if these back-asswards African Francophone countries don't develop some women's rights soon, so I don't have to keep writing paper after paper on their abject stupidity that I'm not supposed to criticize because it's not my culture, I'm going to fly to Algeria and pick off their entire male population, I swear.)
In keeping with this semester's theme of "The more homework I have to do in the shorter a space of time, the more crap happens to set me back," my computer got like twelve viruses yesterday. >.< I think we fixed them, though. But still. Brilliant timing, Oscar. I had homework due at 5 o'clock today that I didn't even get to *start* until 11 am.
Assorted well-meaning people keep worrying at me about the emotional effects of the crash. I had trouble sleeping for a couple of days. Now I'm stressed about homework, angry, depressed, and tired a lot, which seems to be my response to just about everything. Possibly because I am already starting to view the accident not as an isolated event but as part of the stream of things that happen to me and how I deal with them. It fits into patterns--patterns of my psychological responses to outside events, patterns of the Universal Laws of Irony, patterns of family dynamics. At that point, my life was this accident waiting to happen, and it did--the moment I stopped seeing it coming, as always.
It might be more comforting to see it as an isolated incident, but nothing is isolated. Everything that happens, happens as a result of hundreds of things leading up to it. When you can pick out those things, it starts to look inevitable. The future, on the other hand, is always entirely uncertain, because the more certain you are of something happening or not happening, the more likely you are to be wrong. (Maybe not you. But certainly me.)
...Thing is, miraculous escaping unscathed aside, most of the patterns this event falls into are depressing as hell. My brain tends to deal with depressing thoughts about the external world by shutting it out and inducing excessive napping. I do not feel this to be post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ly enough to request homework extensions over it, it just means I'm even less enthusiastic about my papers than usual. Which is pretty unenthusiastic. Combine this with (a) I've been so stressed for so long I think that's just what being alive feels like, and (b) the academic pressure has reached critical mass, where I can't fathom that I really have to do all of this in such a short time, and I have almost no ability to actually focus.
I really want to go take another nap.
Only problem with Repeal Day is that's it's smack in the middle of finals crunch time. Friday night and I'm (guess what I'm about to say! No really, guess!) doing French homework. I'm indulging in one Jack & diet but other than that, the party is just me an a bowl of pomegranate seeds. Lame. (And if these back-asswards African Francophone countries don't develop some women's rights soon, so I don't have to keep writing paper after paper on their abject stupidity that I'm not supposed to criticize because it's not my culture, I'm going to fly to Algeria and pick off their entire male population, I swear.)
In keeping with this semester's theme of "The more homework I have to do in the shorter a space of time, the more crap happens to set me back," my computer got like twelve viruses yesterday. >.< I think we fixed them, though. But still. Brilliant timing, Oscar. I had homework due at 5 o'clock today that I didn't even get to *start* until 11 am.
Assorted well-meaning people keep worrying at me about the emotional effects of the crash. I had trouble sleeping for a couple of days. Now I'm stressed about homework, angry, depressed, and tired a lot, which seems to be my response to just about everything. Possibly because I am already starting to view the accident not as an isolated event but as part of the stream of things that happen to me and how I deal with them. It fits into patterns--patterns of my psychological responses to outside events, patterns of the Universal Laws of Irony, patterns of family dynamics. At that point, my life was this accident waiting to happen, and it did--the moment I stopped seeing it coming, as always.
It might be more comforting to see it as an isolated incident, but nothing is isolated. Everything that happens, happens as a result of hundreds of things leading up to it. When you can pick out those things, it starts to look inevitable. The future, on the other hand, is always entirely uncertain, because the more certain you are of something happening or not happening, the more likely you are to be wrong. (Maybe not you. But certainly me.)
...Thing is, miraculous escaping unscathed aside, most of the patterns this event falls into are depressing as hell. My brain tends to deal with depressing thoughts about the external world by shutting it out and inducing excessive napping. I do not feel this to be post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ly enough to request homework extensions over it, it just means I'm even less enthusiastic about my papers than usual. Which is pretty unenthusiastic. Combine this with (a) I've been so stressed for so long I think that's just what being alive feels like, and (b) the academic pressure has reached critical mass, where I can't fathom that I really have to do all of this in such a short time, and I have almost no ability to actually focus.
I really want to go take another nap.