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Found printouts of a bunch of old LiveJournal entries from November or so last year, that my mother had printed out to fax to my psychiatrist. Man, I was rather screwed up then. A number of things have changed--for one, the people that I keep referring to as important to me have changed considerably. Probably the most striking difference is the comments about my family--I no longer feel like I just can't stand being home, or like I just can't stand my parents. (Brother still often can't stand. This is predictable, as is little brother.)
But what would probably be considered The Real Important Stuff, the stuff that made my mother send this to Dr. Weisberg? Well, the severity of the depression is less, my reactions to these thoughts are less self-destructive... but I don't think my opinions have changed very much. I still have a pretty firm set opinion that the world is mediocre and mediocrity sucks. Even though I'm eating again (although I don't eat much), I can still follow the thought patterns and remember the feelings that led me to quite simply hate food for two months--and I don't feel like craziness really had anything to do with it. Overreaction, perhaps, but not craziness. I still feel like depression is easy and happiness is work. I still am incredibly dissatisfied with the school system here. I still really just want to be left the hell alone and not bothered to do things somebody else's way especially if they don't matter. I still reserve the right to decide for myself whether or not I want to take my coat off. Many of the writing patterns are still unmistakeably my own wierd use of the English language that no amount of depression can de-quirk.
They're a lot longer than most of my updates these days, though.
One of the most striking things I noticed was the same tendency to be extremely hypersensitive to whoever's been nicest to me lately. In these entries I keep mentioning talking to Ben online, that he would listen without flipping out at me and it invariably made me cry. I rarely talk to Ben anymore, but the behavioral trait is there: a year ago, he was the only person I really felt was particularly supportive, which made me feel better, but it was sad that that was such a rarity. Six months ago, Moody was the only person I felt seemed to have the decency to not wear me down with constant complaints, which I was grateful for (even if, without that most popular form of communication, I felt rather estranged), but I was sad that it was such a rarity. These past few weeks, I've felt that Danny would seem to be the only person around who's just a really nice person without being stupid, and I'm glad I've made a new friend, but it's sad that that's such a rarity. And there have been others, and there will be more. And I remember these people just about forever--hell, four years ago Jen Winfield was the only person around who was just frickin' COOL, which livened things up a lot, but it was sad that people that bloody cool are such a rarity. See the pattern?
In other, totally unrelated news, trig is the ultimate evil. It's more ultimately evil than Sues. I know how to deal with Sues.
-Claudia
But what would probably be considered The Real Important Stuff, the stuff that made my mother send this to Dr. Weisberg? Well, the severity of the depression is less, my reactions to these thoughts are less self-destructive... but I don't think my opinions have changed very much. I still have a pretty firm set opinion that the world is mediocre and mediocrity sucks. Even though I'm eating again (although I don't eat much), I can still follow the thought patterns and remember the feelings that led me to quite simply hate food for two months--and I don't feel like craziness really had anything to do with it. Overreaction, perhaps, but not craziness. I still feel like depression is easy and happiness is work. I still am incredibly dissatisfied with the school system here. I still really just want to be left the hell alone and not bothered to do things somebody else's way especially if they don't matter. I still reserve the right to decide for myself whether or not I want to take my coat off. Many of the writing patterns are still unmistakeably my own wierd use of the English language that no amount of depression can de-quirk.
They're a lot longer than most of my updates these days, though.
One of the most striking things I noticed was the same tendency to be extremely hypersensitive to whoever's been nicest to me lately. In these entries I keep mentioning talking to Ben online, that he would listen without flipping out at me and it invariably made me cry. I rarely talk to Ben anymore, but the behavioral trait is there: a year ago, he was the only person I really felt was particularly supportive, which made me feel better, but it was sad that that was such a rarity. Six months ago, Moody was the only person I felt seemed to have the decency to not wear me down with constant complaints, which I was grateful for (even if, without that most popular form of communication, I felt rather estranged), but I was sad that it was such a rarity. These past few weeks, I've felt that Danny would seem to be the only person around who's just a really nice person without being stupid, and I'm glad I've made a new friend, but it's sad that that's such a rarity. And there have been others, and there will be more. And I remember these people just about forever--hell, four years ago Jen Winfield was the only person around who was just frickin' COOL, which livened things up a lot, but it was sad that people that bloody cool are such a rarity. See the pattern?
In other, totally unrelated news, trig is the ultimate evil. It's more ultimately evil than Sues. I know how to deal with Sues.
-Claudia
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Date: 2005-04-05 04:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-05 10:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-07 09:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-07 10:20 pm (UTC)*hugs* Thank you.