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Apr. 9th, 2006 07:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bloodygranuaileI've been thinking lately and I think that being bipolar has given me a very valuable perspective on sanity, insanity, and the intricacies of percieving reality. This has been hightened due to my own stupidity, where I've played around with it far too much and have not only been insane and then sane, but have repeatedly gone in and out and in in-between states over the past few years. I've learned a lot of nasty lessons.
Most of what I've observed--both with my own behavior and other people's--is ugly. In hindsight I can trace how easy it is for problems to just create more and more problems, how easy it is to be narrowminded, how easy it is to do unthinkable things if you don't think about them (and that's unthinkable in terms of "WTF were you thinking, people just don't DO that" sense, not like... genocide unthinkable).
I want to break out of this, and I don't just want to sit and wait until the end of August to do so, even though that seems the only option. The people at MHS aren't quite as uniformly horrendous a group of "ew, normal people" as it's been so easy to write them off as these past few years. Maybe I don't have much in the way of perfectly kindred spirits there as I'd like, but I never did even among the people I did hang out with, and honestly, what can you expect? It's no crime for people to not be perfectly complementary to me. Those people are rare. Other people aren't necessarily wastes of time. And God, I've already wasted enough time with people who are. And so my brain goes in circles.
I know what I want; I don't know how to get it.
I'm sick of spending all my time in corners. I want people who realize that other people are real people. I don't necessarily want to be "understood"--nobody "understands" anybody else, get over it--but I want people who will allow when they don't understand something instead of suggesting I talk to my therapist over every instance in which I have a different point of view than they do. I want people that will take responsibility for having done something wrong to someone else instead of turning everything into "Well I don't know what his/her problem is!". I don't want people who assume that just because they're a geek/a Goth/generally hated by everybody, no matter what they say or do or think they cannot POSSIBLY be being judgmental because only those stupid normal people are judgmental; their particular group is ENLIGHTENED. I want older people that won't talk down to me and younger people that I'll probably have to learn not to talk down to and people my own age just because I don't have a lot of people my own age.
I don't think I have the time nor the social skills to make this happen. But at least I know what to watch out for at college?
I think about this way too much but I keep not coming to any useful conclusions. Maybe I should stop thinking. >.>
Most of what I've observed--both with my own behavior and other people's--is ugly. In hindsight I can trace how easy it is for problems to just create more and more problems, how easy it is to be narrowminded, how easy it is to do unthinkable things if you don't think about them (and that's unthinkable in terms of "WTF were you thinking, people just don't DO that" sense, not like... genocide unthinkable).
I want to break out of this, and I don't just want to sit and wait until the end of August to do so, even though that seems the only option. The people at MHS aren't quite as uniformly horrendous a group of "ew, normal people" as it's been so easy to write them off as these past few years. Maybe I don't have much in the way of perfectly kindred spirits there as I'd like, but I never did even among the people I did hang out with, and honestly, what can you expect? It's no crime for people to not be perfectly complementary to me. Those people are rare. Other people aren't necessarily wastes of time. And God, I've already wasted enough time with people who are. And so my brain goes in circles.
I know what I want; I don't know how to get it.
I'm sick of spending all my time in corners. I want people who realize that other people are real people. I don't necessarily want to be "understood"--nobody "understands" anybody else, get over it--but I want people who will allow when they don't understand something instead of suggesting I talk to my therapist over every instance in which I have a different point of view than they do. I want people that will take responsibility for having done something wrong to someone else instead of turning everything into "Well I don't know what his/her problem is!". I don't want people who assume that just because they're a geek/a Goth/generally hated by everybody, no matter what they say or do or think they cannot POSSIBLY be being judgmental because only those stupid normal people are judgmental; their particular group is ENLIGHTENED. I want older people that won't talk down to me and younger people that I'll probably have to learn not to talk down to and people my own age just because I don't have a lot of people my own age.
I don't think I have the time nor the social skills to make this happen. But at least I know what to watch out for at college?
I think about this way too much but I keep not coming to any useful conclusions. Maybe I should stop thinking. >.>
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i know where you're coming from x23984934
Date: 2006-04-10 01:54 am (UTC)i hung out with quite a few different people when i moved here.
i tried the social thing, i used to be a semi kind of social person.
one problem...
everybody drinks.
or smokes.
or shops at louis vuitton.
not that any of these things are necessarily bad, i am guilty of the first, but the entire social scene revolves around these 3 things. Often only 1 of the 3 things. I mean, high school kids will be high school kids, but this town is just BAD.
this is why i need a big college. where there is more than a cornfield (or a suburb, as the case may be on this coast) and 500 kids with the same goddamn fucking "diverse" mindset. I crave ACTUAL diversity as opposed to what you said...people who think anyone with a different opinion is "judgemental."
and none of these crazy louis vuitton Italians, please.
*hugs*
lindsay
Re: i know where you're coming from x23984934
Date: 2006-04-10 03:41 am (UTC)I think I'm just bored.