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bloodygranuaileSo. Busy week. Not feeling so great.
Yesterday, I did nothing. Had rather emotionally wrenching dream right when I woke up, so started the day off already too depressed to do anything but curl up in the fetal position and try to stay warm. Slept through class. Rescheduled doctor's appointment because didn't feel like dragging my ass all the way down there in the cold. Didn't go to worship. Didn't get any work done. Did go to karate, but that's about it.
Today, also slept through class. Didn't go to the gym. Feel slightly better after lunch with Cheryl but not really.
One of the semester-long social problems from last entry confronted me the other day. Not sure if problem is entirely fixed, but feel somewhat better about it, and if necessary it should be able to deal with if all I have to say is "You said you wouldn't do that it" instead of trying to stand up and interfere with other people's behavior just because of how little I like it, which I'm not good at.
Second problem guy behaved himself last time I saw him. Hopefully this was not a one-time thing, but if it is, will find the strength to scold him somehow. At any rate, also feel somewhat better about this than did last time, even though it may not be definitively solved.
Third contestant for getting an ulcer named after him... no idea. Things have descended into silence and I'm not surprised but it doesn't make me feel any better about it. No idea what to do. Not optimistic that saying anything will help anything, and tired of being the only one that makes an effort, just to have that make me the annoying one. Tired of serious conversations where he doesn't say anything, even in answer to direct questions. Now I know what dealing with me must be like. Was watching Scrubs the other day and main character flake dude said to main character flake chick "Do you ever think maybe we're perfect for each other, we just have the same fatal flaw?" and it upset me so much I had to go to bed. Continually afraid of creeping him out the way other people have been creeping me out. Continually about to cry. So fucking tired of this.
Karate belt test tomorrow. Nervous. Not sure I'm entirely prepared. Not sure have the focus for this with the way I've been feeling. Must develop better mental discipline, preferably by 7 o'clock tomorrow.
Paper due Monday, then Friday, then Monday. Have reading & research & even in one instance an outline for them, but have not actually started writing on any. Am going to the library to hopefully fix that as soon as am done whinging here.
Also have three finals. Will go take them when they happen; I have papers to write.
On upside, bartending school might actually happen. Visiting on the 15th; have to sit down with Dad and see which classes it would make most sense for me to take in terms of when I would be back up in Worcester.
My friends are incredible and awesome and the fact that apparently they're not enough to make me completely happy makes me feel ungrateful and like I'm obviously just incapable of being completely happy, then, and should just give up now. And in addition to my friends I'm surrounded by even more apparently awesome people that I don't have the energy or social confidence to be friendly to when I meet them and this doesn't do much for my self-esteem either.
I'm going to go the library now and try to get some work done before this feeling of pressure and panic and impending doom becomes neutralized and I get tempted to just go back to bed.
Yesterday, I did nothing. Had rather emotionally wrenching dream right when I woke up, so started the day off already too depressed to do anything but curl up in the fetal position and try to stay warm. Slept through class. Rescheduled doctor's appointment because didn't feel like dragging my ass all the way down there in the cold. Didn't go to worship. Didn't get any work done. Did go to karate, but that's about it.
Today, also slept through class. Didn't go to the gym. Feel slightly better after lunch with Cheryl but not really.
One of the semester-long social problems from last entry confronted me the other day. Not sure if problem is entirely fixed, but feel somewhat better about it, and if necessary it should be able to deal with if all I have to say is "You said you wouldn't do that it" instead of trying to stand up and interfere with other people's behavior just because of how little I like it, which I'm not good at.
Second problem guy behaved himself last time I saw him. Hopefully this was not a one-time thing, but if it is, will find the strength to scold him somehow. At any rate, also feel somewhat better about this than did last time, even though it may not be definitively solved.
Third contestant for getting an ulcer named after him... no idea. Things have descended into silence and I'm not surprised but it doesn't make me feel any better about it. No idea what to do. Not optimistic that saying anything will help anything, and tired of being the only one that makes an effort, just to have that make me the annoying one. Tired of serious conversations where he doesn't say anything, even in answer to direct questions. Now I know what dealing with me must be like. Was watching Scrubs the other day and main character flake dude said to main character flake chick "Do you ever think maybe we're perfect for each other, we just have the same fatal flaw?" and it upset me so much I had to go to bed. Continually afraid of creeping him out the way other people have been creeping me out. Continually about to cry. So fucking tired of this.
Karate belt test tomorrow. Nervous. Not sure I'm entirely prepared. Not sure have the focus for this with the way I've been feeling. Must develop better mental discipline, preferably by 7 o'clock tomorrow.
Paper due Monday, then Friday, then Monday. Have reading & research & even in one instance an outline for them, but have not actually started writing on any. Am going to the library to hopefully fix that as soon as am done whinging here.
Also have three finals. Will go take them when they happen; I have papers to write.
On upside, bartending school might actually happen. Visiting on the 15th; have to sit down with Dad and see which classes it would make most sense for me to take in terms of when I would be back up in Worcester.
My friends are incredible and awesome and the fact that apparently they're not enough to make me completely happy makes me feel ungrateful and like I'm obviously just incapable of being completely happy, then, and should just give up now. And in addition to my friends I'm surrounded by even more apparently awesome people that I don't have the energy or social confidence to be friendly to when I meet them and this doesn't do much for my self-esteem either.
I'm going to go the library now and try to get some work done before this feeling of pressure and panic and impending doom becomes neutralized and I get tempted to just go back to bed.
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no subject
Date: 2007-12-05 07:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-05 11:15 pm (UTC)How preternatural of you. ;)
no subject
Date: 2007-12-05 11:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-05 11:59 pm (UTC)It's also totally the sort of thing Lestat would do. Pink bubbly sherbet floats. Zomfg.
Also: Happy Repeal Day! Drink sumpin'.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 07:40 am (UTC)Problem guys...yes they suck. Problem girls are no better. I should probably write an LJ entry about mine. It seems fitting.
Anyway, this was a response to you LJ entry. So, keep being awesome. Just remember, you're two weeks away from being in snow-free Jersey.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 05:45 pm (UTC)*...oatmeal snowballs.*
Isn't finals such a WONDERFUL time for these sorts of problems? >.<
Oh, well. We'll survive. If it gets really bad we can drive around listening to Blind Guardian until everything magically gets better.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 08:10 pm (UTC)And yes, finals suck for this sort of drama, especially when you are as socially inept and unobservant as the two of us are.
A Blind Guardian metal run is in the works too.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 08:39 pm (UTC)*sits on throne and sings "A Dark Passage" really loudly*
*watches to see if armies are massing to march upon the Jerz*
*sips Churchill martini*