Partings loom on the horizon...
Jun. 17th, 2003 09:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bloodygranuaileThree more days left of school.
There are a lot of things I won't miss about school--for instance, everything actually school-related. But I will miss my friends.
Too many of them are leaving. Only a handful I can say I really care about, but that's still too many for me. I keep on telling myself, We have the whole summer, They'll be back for vacations, etc., but still--I keep getting memories accompanied with the thought, Never again.
I get flash-forwards of getting flashbacks. It's strange. I can see myself, next year, sitting in the band room at lunch, looking around and remembering all the little things that will never, ever happen again. Missing Chris sitting in the chair next to me, just the right distance away for putting my head on his shoulder; Matt lying on the floor on his side with his long blond hair everywhere; Pat bouncing in and out and generally being loud and Pat-like... all of it.
They're not gone yet, so I can't say its as if my heart's been ripped out or anything melodramatic like that. But I can see that happening less than three months into the future, so it's currently as if I'm standing back from myself, looking apprehensively at the dotted line with the little drawing of a pair of sissors and the sentence "cut along this line" along it going around my heart, and thinking, Dammit, this is going to hurt like hell.
I want to enjoy the rest of my time with them, but since it'll all be out of school, all the in-school moments are coming back and haunting me already--all the little bits of time I got with people during the school day: just before school and first period, lunch, and at the end of the school day, but damn, I seem to have crammed quite a bunch of images that I'll really miss in my head... some things that happened often, some things that only happened once, mostly just moments--images--like photographs in my head, except more vivid than photographs, accompanied with motion and sound and touch and scent, sometimes, but still just short, single moments. And I know I could pick them out and pin them down on paper in long descriptive (sappy-sounding, because describing little moments always is) bits of writing, but they're all going around in my head and I just can't do that at the moment.
I'm getting phantom arms again. They're not a new thing; I have a tendency to be always cold, and people are warm, so for quite a while my imagination's had a tendency to fill people in where they don't exist. But now they're worse, because it's not just general coldness or loneliness--I miss people; I get sad when I'm alone and I start thinking about the people I miss, and I can feel myself being hugged. And now I can always tell exactly who it is, and it's more detailed--instead of just vaguely feeling arms around me, I get the entire phantom upper body, down to being able to feel them breathing. It's eerie and annoying and screws with my emotional state magnificently, getting me depressed and lonely.
They go away with really hot weather, yay summer, but I can tell in the fall they'll be back with a vengeance. Dammit, I don't want to think about the fall. At all. But I can't stop thinking about it, and I'm really, *really* not looking forward to it.
*uberglomphugglecling*
-Claudia
There are a lot of things I won't miss about school--for instance, everything actually school-related. But I will miss my friends.
Too many of them are leaving. Only a handful I can say I really care about, but that's still too many for me. I keep on telling myself, We have the whole summer, They'll be back for vacations, etc., but still--I keep getting memories accompanied with the thought, Never again.
I get flash-forwards of getting flashbacks. It's strange. I can see myself, next year, sitting in the band room at lunch, looking around and remembering all the little things that will never, ever happen again. Missing Chris sitting in the chair next to me, just the right distance away for putting my head on his shoulder; Matt lying on the floor on his side with his long blond hair everywhere; Pat bouncing in and out and generally being loud and Pat-like... all of it.
They're not gone yet, so I can't say its as if my heart's been ripped out or anything melodramatic like that. But I can see that happening less than three months into the future, so it's currently as if I'm standing back from myself, looking apprehensively at the dotted line with the little drawing of a pair of sissors and the sentence "cut along this line" along it going around my heart, and thinking, Dammit, this is going to hurt like hell.
I want to enjoy the rest of my time with them, but since it'll all be out of school, all the in-school moments are coming back and haunting me already--all the little bits of time I got with people during the school day: just before school and first period, lunch, and at the end of the school day, but damn, I seem to have crammed quite a bunch of images that I'll really miss in my head... some things that happened often, some things that only happened once, mostly just moments--images--like photographs in my head, except more vivid than photographs, accompanied with motion and sound and touch and scent, sometimes, but still just short, single moments. And I know I could pick them out and pin them down on paper in long descriptive (sappy-sounding, because describing little moments always is) bits of writing, but they're all going around in my head and I just can't do that at the moment.
I'm getting phantom arms again. They're not a new thing; I have a tendency to be always cold, and people are warm, so for quite a while my imagination's had a tendency to fill people in where they don't exist. But now they're worse, because it's not just general coldness or loneliness--I miss people; I get sad when I'm alone and I start thinking about the people I miss, and I can feel myself being hugged. And now I can always tell exactly who it is, and it's more detailed--instead of just vaguely feeling arms around me, I get the entire phantom upper body, down to being able to feel them breathing. It's eerie and annoying and screws with my emotional state magnificently, getting me depressed and lonely.
They go away with really hot weather, yay summer, but I can tell in the fall they'll be back with a vengeance. Dammit, I don't want to think about the fall. At all. But I can't stop thinking about it, and I'm really, *really* not looking forward to it.
*uberglomphugglecling*
-Claudia
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Oh, Claudia.....
Date: 2003-06-18 08:38 am (UTC)I wish I was there and could actually be hugging you.
Graduating SUCKS, especially when you're losing all the special friends you've grown close to. I know that first-hand.
Oh, man, babe, wish I could say something better to comfort you.
*HUG*
~Thalia
no subject
Date: 2003-06-18 11:12 am (UTC)