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Nov. 27th, 2003 06:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bloodygranuaileYesterday was one of the flat-out best days I've had since RenFaire. However, now that I've calmed down a bit, I've realized that that probably isn't a very good thing, because it illustrates very clearly how bad most of my days are. It was a very, very flawed day. But I still count it as an extremely good day, because all the flaws were either the little mildly irritating distractions floating on top that don't really matter because I was, in general, in too good a mood to really get that ticked off, or the black observations and feelings that I push to the very bottom when I'm not sure of things, which tend to come up later once I have information about them. But in the middle, in the part which tends to determine what my general mood is, there was an unusually wide band of bright pink (pink, of all things!!) that meant such an intense happiness that I was still floating off of it today.
However, the bottom shadowy thoughts have returned to my emotional lava lamp with a vengeance, taking up considerably more space in the bulk of my mood as the pink giddiness moves to occupying just a few upper levels. And now the worries which I've concluded to be real are mixed in with the usual "everyone secretly hates me" variety of paranoid fears, making them more difficult to deal with.
My lower-level paranoias are what cause me to be such a terrible behavioral analyst. I have no reason to act upon when I feel something's wrong, because I always feel something's wrong. For my own sanity, I have to not act upon or say anything of my suspicions, because it would cause an unbearable amount of turmoil, considering how randomly overly suspicious I am. My mind goes in several totally opposite directions every time something happens; when things are ever actually wrong, I've usually picked up on them but dismissed them along with my other unfounded worries, buried them under a layer of Claudia, stop second-guessing yourself out of ever enjoying yourself and continue to act as if I don't think a damn thing's happened, and then still feel that that was totally unexpected when I find out that something I'd been trying not to consider is fact.
And then sometimes I deliberately act against my own better judgment because I just can't tell what's real anymore, can't tell what's intuition, what's my conscience, and what's paranoia.
On the upside of things: Have 4 1/2 day weekend, Ben and Pat are home, got to see them and hug them a lot yesterday, and Ben's hair looks really spiffy. Squee.
-Claudia
However, the bottom shadowy thoughts have returned to my emotional lava lamp with a vengeance, taking up considerably more space in the bulk of my mood as the pink giddiness moves to occupying just a few upper levels. And now the worries which I've concluded to be real are mixed in with the usual "everyone secretly hates me" variety of paranoid fears, making them more difficult to deal with.
My lower-level paranoias are what cause me to be such a terrible behavioral analyst. I have no reason to act upon when I feel something's wrong, because I always feel something's wrong. For my own sanity, I have to not act upon or say anything of my suspicions, because it would cause an unbearable amount of turmoil, considering how randomly overly suspicious I am. My mind goes in several totally opposite directions every time something happens; when things are ever actually wrong, I've usually picked up on them but dismissed them along with my other unfounded worries, buried them under a layer of Claudia, stop second-guessing yourself out of ever enjoying yourself and continue to act as if I don't think a damn thing's happened, and then still feel that that was totally unexpected when I find out that something I'd been trying not to consider is fact.
And then sometimes I deliberately act against my own better judgment because I just can't tell what's real anymore, can't tell what's intuition, what's my conscience, and what's paranoia.
On the upside of things: Have 4 1/2 day weekend, Ben and Pat are home, got to see them and hug them a lot yesterday, and Ben's hair looks really spiffy. Squee.
-Claudia
your lava-lamp what??
Date: 2003-11-28 11:55 am (UTC)Re: your lava-lamp what??
Date: 2003-11-28 04:55 pm (UTC)And you already bugged me about this IRL.
-Claudia