i need a break from myself
Oct. 19th, 2008 01:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bloodygranuaileI'm really, really tired these days.
I'm not just physically tired. In fact, physically, I'm more than sufficiently rested. I sleep all the fucking time. Recently I've been taking melatonin, so I fall asleep faster, but I still don't get out of bed until eleven or twelve hours later. Melatonin also gives me weird fucking dreams, but that's another story.
I'm really just emotionally exhausted. And tired in the "I'm sick and tired of..." sense, of just about everything. I think this is the sort of "sick" I've been lately as well, considering I seem to have been some sort of not-feeling-well for the past several weeks. I end up cancelling on every major social event, especially ones with draining components like spending money, having travel time, or not being able to wuss out and leave whenever I want to.
This means I'm already anticipating that I'm going to wuss out of Halloween, if something doesn't happen to seriously boost my spirits. At the moment, the notion of going all the way out to Salem to party makes me want to go take a nap just thinking about it. There's at least a 50/50 chance I'll wuss out and end up staying in Worcester. Or going home, if I'm as sick of my room by then as I think I might be, and am missing my mommy, as I am quite a lot these days.
There's not a whole lot of people I actually *want* to see these days. I miss everyone, and feel guilty that I'm blowing off like all my friends because I'm too busy for them, but I also just don't have the energy to put on a happy social face for them. About the only people that can get me out of my room these days are my vampire club girls, probably because everything we do is low-key, low-noise, and they know almost none of the people I "normally" hang out with. (Also, they're awesome. But, like... all my other friends are awesome too, and I keep blowing them off.)
I feel kind of guilty that I'm using midterms to be like OH LOOK I CAN'T SEE ANYONE FOR LIKE TWO WEEKS, when it's really not that ridiculous an amount of work, it's just that I want to be able to not see anyone for two weeks. And also that the work is all taking me a million times longer than it should to actually complete, because I'm tired and not focusing and keep going into my own emo little space-outs or playing Kingdom of Loathing instead of being productive. If I could like, sit down and just do my work, then I'd have plenty of time to go out and play, but going out to play is not really enough of an incentive for me to kick my dour moods and actually buckle down and do shit.
There are certain friendships, at the moment, that seem to be dying, and, with my usual self-defeating reactions towards bloody everything, not talking to those people is proving at twice as draining as talking to everyone else that actually still wants to deal with me. And I, as always, find my self-esteem bottoming out into bouts of second-guessing and paranoia that render me totally incapable of dealing with it. I don't want to let my friendships disappear if they don't have to, by appearing not to care about them. But I also tend to feel like if I fuck my friendships up then I don't really deserve them, and that I shouldn't get on people's cases trying to talk to them if they don't want to deal with my bullshit, if I do talk to them I don't know whether to try and address whatever made things go weird in the first place (if I even know) and apologize or whatever or just try to ignore it and pretend things are normal until they get normal again, blah blah blah... mostly I'm just feeling lonely, sick, depressive, and generally awful, and I get to turn this into one more thing to feel totally awful about instead of dealing with it like a normal and competent person. Because I can't remember what normal competent people do; I'm not one of them. I'm an emo little spaz.
I can't even sit through a whole movie these days without wanting it to end faster so I can go take a nap and daydream about actually feeling loved. I am tired of trying to pay attention to things. I am tired of trying to be strong and get along by myself when I stopped being that person so long ago. I have been pathetically dependent upon the love and recognition of one single person for so long now, and dealing with all the back-and-forth bullshit of our cycles of friendship and silence, and the painfully ironic truth that my dependence upon his approval is one of the major reasons why I'm not good enough for him, that I don't feel like I can ever get out of it. And now, after all the shit we've been through, after all the times we've rebuilt this friendship up again after some stupidity of mine had us estranged... we're in silence *again*. And it's *still* killing me. And I've gone through being relatively confident that it's only temporary, and angry, and disappointed, and a whole host of other feelings about it, and I'm back to where I've been a million times before: I miss him and I don't know what to do about it. And I am SO FUCKING TIRED OF IT. I wish I knew how to just give up. I'm tired of feeling lonely, I'm tired of feeling pathetic, I'm tired of feeling like I don't know what the fuck is going on or what I'm supposed to do. I'm tired of feeling jealous of other people, of people in satisfying relationships, and people that get to see him and talk to him, and people that aren't in love, and anyone who's ever had any sort of romantic or sexual occurrences that weren't completely fucked up. I'm tired of being jealous of my friends when they're happy and it doesn't seem forced. And I'm tired of wondering how people do it when I meet people who seem to have any sort of energy, drive or focus whatsoever.
I'm tired of trying to figure out which of my problems are chemical, and which are the result of carrying around the same damn heartache for a year and a half and winding up nowhere, and no god damn pills are going to fix it.
I just don't know what to do with myself these days. I have so much shit to do and all I really want to do is go home and sit on my couch and read Harry Potter and drink tea with my mom, if I can't fix things. Which I don't think I can. But no... I have to stay and do midterm papers, and regular schoolwork, and cook and clean, and go to work, and do karate and SPOC things and try not to skip out on going to the gym or I'll just feel worse. And this is all shit that not only really shouldn't be that daunting, but that really should be engaging and fulfilling and self-improving and I generally ought to be excited about it, and is also totally not an unmanageable amount of stuff. Congratulations, self, you have a life. I shouldn't be wanting to run away from all of it. But at the moment, anything I need to get out of bed to do is starting to feel like too much to handle, just because it feels so unimportant. In my bed, with my eyes closed and the covers over my head, I can focus on good memories, like the way his hair smelled the last time I hugged him good-bye. Outside my bed, in the waking world... if there's no chance of him talking to me, what's the point of getting up and starting the day?
In summary, my life ought to be wonderful, but I don't feel like it is, because I am an awkward fuck and I alienate myself from people I love and then get all emo about it. Which makes me, basically, a waste of space.
And I am TIRED of it.
I'm not just physically tired. In fact, physically, I'm more than sufficiently rested. I sleep all the fucking time. Recently I've been taking melatonin, so I fall asleep faster, but I still don't get out of bed until eleven or twelve hours later. Melatonin also gives me weird fucking dreams, but that's another story.
I'm really just emotionally exhausted. And tired in the "I'm sick and tired of..." sense, of just about everything. I think this is the sort of "sick" I've been lately as well, considering I seem to have been some sort of not-feeling-well for the past several weeks. I end up cancelling on every major social event, especially ones with draining components like spending money, having travel time, or not being able to wuss out and leave whenever I want to.
This means I'm already anticipating that I'm going to wuss out of Halloween, if something doesn't happen to seriously boost my spirits. At the moment, the notion of going all the way out to Salem to party makes me want to go take a nap just thinking about it. There's at least a 50/50 chance I'll wuss out and end up staying in Worcester. Or going home, if I'm as sick of my room by then as I think I might be, and am missing my mommy, as I am quite a lot these days.
There's not a whole lot of people I actually *want* to see these days. I miss everyone, and feel guilty that I'm blowing off like all my friends because I'm too busy for them, but I also just don't have the energy to put on a happy social face for them. About the only people that can get me out of my room these days are my vampire club girls, probably because everything we do is low-key, low-noise, and they know almost none of the people I "normally" hang out with. (Also, they're awesome. But, like... all my other friends are awesome too, and I keep blowing them off.)
I feel kind of guilty that I'm using midterms to be like OH LOOK I CAN'T SEE ANYONE FOR LIKE TWO WEEKS, when it's really not that ridiculous an amount of work, it's just that I want to be able to not see anyone for two weeks. And also that the work is all taking me a million times longer than it should to actually complete, because I'm tired and not focusing and keep going into my own emo little space-outs or playing Kingdom of Loathing instead of being productive. If I could like, sit down and just do my work, then I'd have plenty of time to go out and play, but going out to play is not really enough of an incentive for me to kick my dour moods and actually buckle down and do shit.
There are certain friendships, at the moment, that seem to be dying, and, with my usual self-defeating reactions towards bloody everything, not talking to those people is proving at twice as draining as talking to everyone else that actually still wants to deal with me. And I, as always, find my self-esteem bottoming out into bouts of second-guessing and paranoia that render me totally incapable of dealing with it. I don't want to let my friendships disappear if they don't have to, by appearing not to care about them. But I also tend to feel like if I fuck my friendships up then I don't really deserve them, and that I shouldn't get on people's cases trying to talk to them if they don't want to deal with my bullshit, if I do talk to them I don't know whether to try and address whatever made things go weird in the first place (if I even know) and apologize or whatever or just try to ignore it and pretend things are normal until they get normal again, blah blah blah... mostly I'm just feeling lonely, sick, depressive, and generally awful, and I get to turn this into one more thing to feel totally awful about instead of dealing with it like a normal and competent person. Because I can't remember what normal competent people do; I'm not one of them. I'm an emo little spaz.
I can't even sit through a whole movie these days without wanting it to end faster so I can go take a nap and daydream about actually feeling loved. I am tired of trying to pay attention to things. I am tired of trying to be strong and get along by myself when I stopped being that person so long ago. I have been pathetically dependent upon the love and recognition of one single person for so long now, and dealing with all the back-and-forth bullshit of our cycles of friendship and silence, and the painfully ironic truth that my dependence upon his approval is one of the major reasons why I'm not good enough for him, that I don't feel like I can ever get out of it. And now, after all the shit we've been through, after all the times we've rebuilt this friendship up again after some stupidity of mine had us estranged... we're in silence *again*. And it's *still* killing me. And I've gone through being relatively confident that it's only temporary, and angry, and disappointed, and a whole host of other feelings about it, and I'm back to where I've been a million times before: I miss him and I don't know what to do about it. And I am SO FUCKING TIRED OF IT. I wish I knew how to just give up. I'm tired of feeling lonely, I'm tired of feeling pathetic, I'm tired of feeling like I don't know what the fuck is going on or what I'm supposed to do. I'm tired of feeling jealous of other people, of people in satisfying relationships, and people that get to see him and talk to him, and people that aren't in love, and anyone who's ever had any sort of romantic or sexual occurrences that weren't completely fucked up. I'm tired of being jealous of my friends when they're happy and it doesn't seem forced. And I'm tired of wondering how people do it when I meet people who seem to have any sort of energy, drive or focus whatsoever.
I'm tired of trying to figure out which of my problems are chemical, and which are the result of carrying around the same damn heartache for a year and a half and winding up nowhere, and no god damn pills are going to fix it.
I just don't know what to do with myself these days. I have so much shit to do and all I really want to do is go home and sit on my couch and read Harry Potter and drink tea with my mom, if I can't fix things. Which I don't think I can. But no... I have to stay and do midterm papers, and regular schoolwork, and cook and clean, and go to work, and do karate and SPOC things and try not to skip out on going to the gym or I'll just feel worse. And this is all shit that not only really shouldn't be that daunting, but that really should be engaging and fulfilling and self-improving and I generally ought to be excited about it, and is also totally not an unmanageable amount of stuff. Congratulations, self, you have a life. I shouldn't be wanting to run away from all of it. But at the moment, anything I need to get out of bed to do is starting to feel like too much to handle, just because it feels so unimportant. In my bed, with my eyes closed and the covers over my head, I can focus on good memories, like the way his hair smelled the last time I hugged him good-bye. Outside my bed, in the waking world... if there's no chance of him talking to me, what's the point of getting up and starting the day?
In summary, my life ought to be wonderful, but I don't feel like it is, because I am an awkward fuck and I alienate myself from people I love and then get all emo about it. Which makes me, basically, a waste of space.
And I am TIRED of it.