(no subject)
Dec. 14th, 2008 03:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bloodygranuaileLess than a week. Only two papers left to write (one and a half, really). One of them's due tomorrow, which means I actually have to write it tonight, unlike the last two days where I've written, um, half a page.
It is, quite literally, a miracle that I have made it this close to the end of the semester. And now with five days left to go... I feel like I've hit my limit. I can't focus. I can't keep in mind why I need to actually give a shit if I finish or not. I can't get out of bed in the morning and I can't go more than three hours without crawling right back into it for a nap. Friday night and last night I've gone out drinking and being social to avoid going completely stir-crazy sitting in my room or the library (our Internet's down still). And it has worked in that I feel somewhat better *while* I'm out, in a slightly artificial way, but the moment I get home and go to bed I find I'm too awake to sleep and too depressed to do anything else. And then it's the same thing in the morning.
It's been a lonely semester, all semester. I've been too busy to see people much and when I am it's so much effort to be social and upbeat and gossipy, since what I'm really lonely for is to be able to get a bunch of personal things that aren't appropriate for public discussion off my chest, and to be held, and possibly for a good cry, at this point. I feel stuck between being good to myself and being good to other people--they're not compatible. Like I feel bad even writing this post because I feel bad about throwing my issues in everyone's face, worrying the people who care about me and annoying the people who don't, but for myself I need to get it out. I don't do well keeping things bottled up inside.
I'm just bloody sick of trying to man up and keep going. I don't even know where I'm going enough to care.
Some days, I'd give anything to be somebody else.
It is, quite literally, a miracle that I have made it this close to the end of the semester. And now with five days left to go... I feel like I've hit my limit. I can't focus. I can't keep in mind why I need to actually give a shit if I finish or not. I can't get out of bed in the morning and I can't go more than three hours without crawling right back into it for a nap. Friday night and last night I've gone out drinking and being social to avoid going completely stir-crazy sitting in my room or the library (our Internet's down still). And it has worked in that I feel somewhat better *while* I'm out, in a slightly artificial way, but the moment I get home and go to bed I find I'm too awake to sleep and too depressed to do anything else. And then it's the same thing in the morning.
It's been a lonely semester, all semester. I've been too busy to see people much and when I am it's so much effort to be social and upbeat and gossipy, since what I'm really lonely for is to be able to get a bunch of personal things that aren't appropriate for public discussion off my chest, and to be held, and possibly for a good cry, at this point. I feel stuck between being good to myself and being good to other people--they're not compatible. Like I feel bad even writing this post because I feel bad about throwing my issues in everyone's face, worrying the people who care about me and annoying the people who don't, but for myself I need to get it out. I don't do well keeping things bottled up inside.
I'm just bloody sick of trying to man up and keep going. I don't even know where I'm going enough to care.
Some days, I'd give anything to be somebody else.
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no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 04:33 am (UTC)The problem is that I'm feeling all angry and victimized and shit at like twelve different people and I can't yell at any of them quite yet. And I'm mad at myself for letting people do that to me.
I'd love to do the museum trip but it looks like you'll have to drive. :P
no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 04:54 am (UTC)and also, whole purpose of livejournal is throwing your shit in other people's faces. If they are whiny about having your shit thrown at them then they shouldn't be on livejournal 'cause that's da point! Never feel bad throwing your stuff at me because I am glad to be a venting instrument!