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Dec. 14th, 2008 03:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bloodygranuaileLess than a week. Only two papers left to write (one and a half, really). One of them's due tomorrow, which means I actually have to write it tonight, unlike the last two days where I've written, um, half a page.
It is, quite literally, a miracle that I have made it this close to the end of the semester. And now with five days left to go... I feel like I've hit my limit. I can't focus. I can't keep in mind why I need to actually give a shit if I finish or not. I can't get out of bed in the morning and I can't go more than three hours without crawling right back into it for a nap. Friday night and last night I've gone out drinking and being social to avoid going completely stir-crazy sitting in my room or the library (our Internet's down still). And it has worked in that I feel somewhat better *while* I'm out, in a slightly artificial way, but the moment I get home and go to bed I find I'm too awake to sleep and too depressed to do anything else. And then it's the same thing in the morning.
It's been a lonely semester, all semester. I've been too busy to see people much and when I am it's so much effort to be social and upbeat and gossipy, since what I'm really lonely for is to be able to get a bunch of personal things that aren't appropriate for public discussion off my chest, and to be held, and possibly for a good cry, at this point. I feel stuck between being good to myself and being good to other people--they're not compatible. Like I feel bad even writing this post because I feel bad about throwing my issues in everyone's face, worrying the people who care about me and annoying the people who don't, but for myself I need to get it out. I don't do well keeping things bottled up inside.
I'm just bloody sick of trying to man up and keep going. I don't even know where I'm going enough to care.
Some days, I'd give anything to be somebody else.
It is, quite literally, a miracle that I have made it this close to the end of the semester. And now with five days left to go... I feel like I've hit my limit. I can't focus. I can't keep in mind why I need to actually give a shit if I finish or not. I can't get out of bed in the morning and I can't go more than three hours without crawling right back into it for a nap. Friday night and last night I've gone out drinking and being social to avoid going completely stir-crazy sitting in my room or the library (our Internet's down still). And it has worked in that I feel somewhat better *while* I'm out, in a slightly artificial way, but the moment I get home and go to bed I find I'm too awake to sleep and too depressed to do anything else. And then it's the same thing in the morning.
It's been a lonely semester, all semester. I've been too busy to see people much and when I am it's so much effort to be social and upbeat and gossipy, since what I'm really lonely for is to be able to get a bunch of personal things that aren't appropriate for public discussion off my chest, and to be held, and possibly for a good cry, at this point. I feel stuck between being good to myself and being good to other people--they're not compatible. Like I feel bad even writing this post because I feel bad about throwing my issues in everyone's face, worrying the people who care about me and annoying the people who don't, but for myself I need to get it out. I don't do well keeping things bottled up inside.
I'm just bloody sick of trying to man up and keep going. I don't even know where I'm going enough to care.
Some days, I'd give anything to be somebody else.