Man, did today suck.

Well, woke up this morning still sick, still depressed, and still emotionally unstable because family, social, school, and love lives are all falling apart at once. Felt vaguely as if I were dead, and just kept that thought in mind as I got dressed. Still look dead. Thick black liquid eyeliner; no lipstick. Muchly different than normal, but like it... I don't look either quite alive or as if I quite belong in this century. (Side rant: Long, full, plain, black broadcloth skirt. Not difficult. However, does not exist in this culture. Closest thing is long, full, decorated black exorbitantly-priced skirt, or long slinky black semi-exorbitantly-priced skirt. So am technically wearing costume. *rolls eyes*)
School was not good; was depressed and falling asleep through the whole thing. Didn't do about half my homework, because was not home on Saturday and generally miserable and unable to think through Sunday, and so that was generally not good.
Spent second half of study hall and all of English just listening to music. No reading, no writing, no working. Was a nice break from having to try to do things, but brings me back to my depressed period last year. I dont' want to get depressed again.
Didn't bring lunch, as per usual. Combined with unusually small breakfast, was hungry all day. But didn't feel like eating.
Gym, got hit in the side of the face with soccer ball. Was generally disconnected from world, which is why I got hit, but also meant I didn't feel it enough to even warrant crying.
Due to having to go to nurse for ice and getting back to gym after everyone went in to change, was late for bio. Have to redo last lab writeup because I got one word wrong in the objective. Also, Luparella's lectures make no sense. It gives me a headache trying to listen to them. And all the "Get it?"s are scary.
Went home, ate, talked to mother, because she demanded it. Explained some things to her, but was much leaving things out and dampening things down and making excuses, and was *still* sounding like a complete and utter mess. But between talking to an adult about it, and eating chocolate cake, I started to feel better. Now am just amused by how much everything sucks. Still sick, though.

And now, to continue doing homework.

-Claudia

(no subject)

I have completely fretted, analyzed, and typed myself out for the day. I feel exhausted, but I generally feel better--I've pulled back from the brink of a complete emotional breakdown, if only a few feet. I've typed a total of at least ten pages today, talked to people, dug out my Nosi'Dam notes, gone into the deepest bout of depression in months and possibly one of the deepest bouts of self-loathing I've ever had, spent hours just thinking, reorganized substantial parts of my brain, relabeled all my emotions, gotten injured, and generally done everything except reply to what people have written to me. Oh, and I haven't cried myself out, but I don't think I need to anymore, since I've already hit the point of being too tired and drained to get worked up about anything anymore. I spent a substantial portion of the day feeling on the verge of crying, but didn't, couldn't, not in the harsh, harried environment of school. Then I got home, and things were automatically better because I was no longer in school, I was instead somewhere where I could take meds and eat something and then go do homework in peace. And now that I've finished my homework and my fingers are starting to hurt from typing endlessly, I think I'll go upstairs and crash on my bed here until I can go home and go to bed proper, which is in about half an hour...

-Claudia