bloodygranuaile: (awkward)
For Christmas I got a beautiful set of hardback Jane Austen books. I intend to read them in publication order, and to that end first reread Sense and Sensibility. I had read this before but not for a very long time, I think in college or possibly even high school, and I know I’ve seen the movie but that was also many many years ago.

As her debut novel, this is not Austen at her peak, but it still hits all the classic Austen hallmarks–open talk about money, dryly witty but very mean descriptions of basically all the secondary characters, genteelly prospect-less heroines, problems that would be solved quicker if British people were ever allowed to talk about their feelings, general domestic shenanigans, and at least one person getting gravely ill or injured as a key plot point.

Our main heroine here is Elinor Dashwood, an extremely no-nonsense and scrupulously polite young woman with formidable emotional self-control, especially for a nineteen-year-old. She does most of the sense-having in the Dashwood household, as her mother and sisters are both much more emotionally expressive and inclined toward the romantic. The ne plus ultra of emotional sensitivity is the middle daughter, Marianne Dashwood, a seventeen-year-old who seems determined to embody every stereotype about over-emotional teenage girls that currently exists, although I don’t have much of an idea about how prevalent those stereotypes were in the 1810s or if it’s just Marianne.

The final romances in this one seem a little underdeveloped compared to her later works, but overall that’s OK, because the friendships–both real and the ones that are developed under polite duress and therefore sort of faked, like the one between Elinor and Lucy Steele–take center stage in a way I really enjoy. Colonel Brandon’s friendship with Elinor, which causes several people to think those two should get engaged, is a really lovely and rare example of a strong, selfless cross-sex friendship between two people who are both in love with other people and are able to become really good platonic friends without anything getting weird. The relationship between the girls and Mrs. Jennings, who is vulgar and frequently misreads situations but who does turn out to be a truly good-hearted and reliable person, is also great, and frequently very funny.

When Austen’s books were first published people were really scandalized about how economic they were, and while I think that is very funny because in a society where women weren’t allowed to have jobs, of course economics would be a critical consideration for marriage. But this upset people anyway. I love it, not just because it’s a more realistic way for the characters to talk–honestly, some of them are so blunt about it that I find myself thinking Austen may be laying it on a little thick–but it’s also very funny, because clearly some of these characters are telling themselves the same self-flattering but ludicrously un-self-aware things that the scandalized reviewers were.

Anyway, after many convoluted disappointments and scheming and general domestic shenanigans, Elinor and Marianne both end up happily and comfortably married, and then a movie was made about it with a truly excellent cast, which I should maybe rewatch.

Pride and Prejudice is next! I am much more familiar with that story, as it’s one of the only two Austen novels that I have read more than three times, so I don’t think I will be as surprised as I was in this one (I genuinely did find myself wondering what happened next, or how our heroines were going to get out of this one, because I couldn’t remember how the plot went), but it should be enjoyable all the same.
bloodygranuaile: (Default)
Today was nice. Quiet, just me and my mom and my brother. We do not do big Christmases anymore. And I like it that way.

I spend much of today thinking about Christmas four years ago, when I was a junior in high school. There were two significant things about that Christmas: one, we went to Miami that day, from Christmas until New Year's Eve. I really would like to do something like that again--Christmas somewhere warm. It's not like we have relatives we're obligated to see; nothing's keeping us at home on Christmas except not having planned anywhere else to go. I'd like to go somewhere.

The other thing was that that morning I broke up with Ben (yes, on Christmas, yes, I'm a bitch, yes I probably should have done it earlier... no, I couldn't do it later, he was leaving the day I got back). Probably not the best Christmas gift ever for him (if that mattered... he was Jewish). But probably the best Christmas gift I ever gave to myself. I hadn't felt so unburdened in years.

This means that today is exactly four years being single, and unorthodox as it is... I feel this is something to celebrate. Obviously, I would've rather that I weren't completely relationship-retarded the thing with Tony had worked out, but since it didn't? This means four years of not making the mistake of getting myself into commitments I didn't understand, and didn't understand the terms of, and didn't want to be in. Four years of not succumbing to doing something I didn't want to do on the vague notion that other people thought this was a good thing, and hoping I'd see the point once I figured it out. Four years of not wasting time feeling claustrophobic and wondering what the fun part of this was supposed to be. Four years of not trying to figure out all this weird relationship business from the inside, where there is enough reality to it to worry about getting it wrong. Four years of not getting all claustrophobic feeling locked in by dull grown-up stupid words like "date" and "boyfriend." Four years of being FREE.

Four years sounds like a decently long time. I managed to leave that part of my life behind me so fast, it would always startle me when I'd think about it and realize it had only been three years, or two, or one. At one year, it felt like a lifetime ago. And I didn't like those numbers; they were too small, they made it sound like a recent mistake and I wanted to distance myself from it as much as possible. Four years sounds convincingly like it really was an entirely different stage of my life, one where I was young and stupid and it has nothing to do with who I am now.

I am single and I have absolutely no intention of changing that. The chances of something coming my way that I would want to make an exception for are slim, and I am glad they are slim, and I wish I had never run across the one I did. I am not looking; I am not available. I don't ever want to fall in love again. I don't ever want to be attracted to anyone again. I don't ever want to get landed on a date again in my life, and I am proud of the fact that I've never been on a formal enough date that I realized it was a date at the time (it took me over a year to realize that if you're dating someone, anything you guys do together is a date. But I have never been on a date that's just a date, and I'm keeping it that way!). And I absolutely, absolutely, regardless of the well-meaning 'there are other fish in the sea' comments I get from people, do not want to find a replacement romantic interest to get over Tony. I just want to get over him and get on with my life, with my family and friends.

I look at couples, even ones that behave decently in public, and I just can't ever imagine myself being in their situation--I can't see myself holding hands with someone in a restaurant, or calling someone "baby," or saying the words "I have a date tonight," or worrying about bringing someone home to meet my parents, let alone something like having sex be real, part of normal everyday life. It has no appeal and trying to mentally put myself in that situation just seems wrong, wrong, wrong, in every way otherworldly and bizarre. I can't see myself leaving campus overnights to visit the SAME person EVERY single weekend. My brain skids around and my imagination totally fails me trying to create a concrete thought of someone I'd want to be in a relationship with out of distasteful abstract terms like "man" and "date" and "boyfriend." If I mentally put me and Tony in the picture instead of me and abstract-boyfriend-notion, some of it has appeal. Some of it seems less claustrophobic. Some of it even makes a little more sense, but not all of it. And almost none of it becomes anything I can see myself being comfortable with, just another part of life, trusting that this is how it is and it's not going to suddenly dissipate if I make one wrong move. It just doesn't seem like me, even under the one circumstance I can think of to make it desirable and not a sentence.

And it's now four years I've avoided getting stuck anywhere in that world anyway, and I am not going back!

*goes for more champagne*

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